Kitten for Sheriff's Response to the Hennepin County Sheriff Challange

As promised the candidates responses will be added un-edited. Thank you Kitten for Sheriff. I await the reply from the other candidates.

I sat Kitten down and got some answers for your detention blog:

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1. Why do you want to be Hennepin County Sheriff?

Humans have ruled over Hennepin County for far too long. It’s time to let the kittens take over and make this county the best place to live, work and play in. Kitten is tired of seeing the criminals in power get away with massive crimes against people and the planet. Kitten will start arresting the real criminals such as war criminals, bailout criminals, CEOs, politicians, and others who continue to cause harm without any consequences.

2. What are your qualifications?

This is Kitten’s second attempt to run for Sheriff of Hennepin County. In 2010, Kitten was the only candidate who ran against the current incumbent as a write-in and had supporters from all walks of life. Kitten is sometimes called the “cutest candidate ever”. Along with Kitten’s youthful appearance, Kitten is full of fresh ideas such as Operation Litter Sweep – where Kitten asked those in power to turn themselves in.  

As with all licensed felines in the City of Minneapolis, Kitten has received all the necessary shots. In fact, Kitten is the only candidate for this office who will tell you upfront that they got the rabies shots!  Wouldn’t you prefer having a Sheriff who you can trust not to suddenly turn rabid?

3. Jail staffing currently has decreased professional Detention Officer ranks and greatly increased more expensive Licensed Deputy staff in the jail, one thousand dollars a month more per Licensed Deputy. Would you continue that trend?

Kitten doesn’t like wasted taxpayer money – or spilled milk!   If Kitten is elected, licensed deputies will be placed back into the streets to chase away DHS drones as DC may be a bit mad at us when we arrest a good chuck of their leaders. 

Thus, Kitten will make sure staffing at jails should be limited to those who are trained to do that job in a cost-effective manner.  If more support is required, a new crew of feline deputies may be trained and added to patrol and keep levels of vermin down.

4. The jail schedule was changed from a 6/3 schedule in 2009 (after 32 years), to a 28/8 schedule which has led to low morale. It can take up to 5 years to get a weekend off. If elected are you open to a different schedule? A return to 6/3?

Yes, Kitten will create a brand new schedule. Why are jails open on the weekends in the first place? Kitten will give everyone the weekend off and close the jails. We’ll just leave some self-serving kibble and water dishes for any war criminals who continued to misbehave and don’t earn their weekend pass.

5. The Hennepin County Jail is the largest jail in Minnesota and the only ACA accredited jail in Minnesota, yet the Detention Deputies are the lowest paid in the seven county metro area. What would you do to correct that?

This situation will need to change immediately if Kitten is elected and the jails are filled with actual criminals.  Unfortunately, criminals in power are notorious for bribes and may try to bribe deputies for favors. Thus, we’ll have to make sure that the benefits and pay are the best in the country for anyone who has to watch over criminals in power.  

6. The Hennepin County Dispatchers are understaffed and underpaid. The result is massive turnover at time when the new $33 million Dispatch Center is set to open. What will you do to turn that around?

That’s easy. Buy up nearby farming land and self-fund the Dispatch Center with the sale of “catnip”. People will want to move here and work in our county then.

7. Would your administration continue gathering of citizens’ cell phone metadata using the Kingfish tracker without warrants?

No, way!!! Kitten has been on the record since 2010 as being against these creepy Kingfish surveillance devices. Cats are natural enemies of Kingfishs.  If elected, Kitten will round up all the kingfishs (and stringrays!) and hold a massive “fish fry” party!  All residents of Hennepin County will be invited to watch the devices “fry” while enjoying a selection of hot foods and cool beverages.

8. The current Sheriff spends considerable time in Washington D.C. away from Hennepin County, 4 to 6 times a month. Would your administration continue that practice?

If elected as your new sheriff, Kitten will only need to visit D.C. twice during the whole term.  The first visit will be to serve warrants to all the criminals in power and the second time to arrest any politicians who don’t turn themselves in.  Kitten may need to visit a few other locations across the country if criminals or politicians are hiding there such as Wall Street but out-of-state visits will be limited to official duties only.

9. What is your position on conceal and carry?

Oh humans, why did you lose in the game of evolution?  Kittens already have their own “carry and conceal” claws and are a bit confused by human weaponry. Regardless, humans can come into the Sheriff’s office and ask for a permit if they wish.  Kitten will need to limit the permits for drone hunting to 2 drones per person per year!